Family disintegration

Allaah has bestowed upon His slaves many bounties and favors which they cannot count. He has decreed that true Muslim communities can only be established with the existence of families that are obedient to Allaah and are nurtured in accordance with His commandments.

Therefore, He has provided Muslims with the elements by which the family is created, as He Almighty Says (what means): “And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy....” [Quran 30: 21]

Observe how Allaah constructs the family – He created companions for men from within themselves so that they may attain harmony. He made the wife the source of spiritual tranquility, but the family still needs a tangible sort of tranquility, which Allaah describes saying (what means): “And Allaah has made for you from your homes a place of rest....” [Quran 16: 80] Hence, the spiritual serenity is found in the wife and the physical serenity in one's house; together, both of these shape the family, which forms communities.

Muslims are commanded to manage the family according to Islam and Allaah has legislated such rules for us whereby we may acquire prosperity and bond the family closely. This is so that the resulting society will be righteous and one which performs Jihaad, or struggle, for the sake of Allaah, as a result of which Islam will spread throughout the world.

Undoubtedly, when we neglected the family, our communities became corrupt and Muslim countries undeveloped, anxiety overwhelmed people and life became intolerable.

Today, if we study the situation of Muslim families, we will see that most of them live a miserable life, in consequence of being distant from Islamic laws and disregarding them. I will give some examples of things that result in the breakdown or disintegration of families.

However, let us first cite an example of a happy, Islamic family, which lived according to the way Allaah has prescribed. Allaah Says (what means): “And [mention] Zechariah, when he called to his Lord, “My Lord, do not leave me alone [with no heir], while You are the best of inheritors.” [Quran 21: 89]

He, may Allaah exalt his mention, supplicated to Allaah and sought His help, as Allaah Says (what means): “Kaaf, Haa, Yaa, ‘Ayn, Saad. This is a mention of the mercy of your Lord to His servant Zechariah when he called to his Lord a private call [i.e. supplication]. He said, “My Lord, indeed my bones have weakened, and my head has filled with white hair, and never have I been in my supplication to You, my Lord, unhappy [i.e. disappointed]. And indeed, I fear the successors after me, and my wife has been barren….” [Quran 19: 1-5]

The story goes that Zakariyya, may Allaah exalt his mention, prayed to his Lord with sincerity, complaining that he became old and weak; he went on to acknowledge that Allaah always responded to his invocations and never failed him.

He, may Allaah exalt his mention, then expressed his concern that those whom he will leave behind after his demise will not be able to carry out the mission of conveying Allaah's message and that his wife can no longer give birth. At this point, he commenced his supplication, uttering, as Allaah Says (what means): “…So give me from Yourself a heir. Who will inherit me and inherit from the family of Jacob…” [Quran 19: 5-6], not to inherit wealth, rather, prophethood.

Zakariyya, may Allaah exalt his mention, continued in his prayer, imploring Allaah to make him (i.e., the child) pleasing to Himself. The angels, soon after, came to him with glad tidings from Allaah about a boy whom Allaah named as Yahyaa (i.e., John). So, Zakariyya, may Allaah exalt his mention, was not the one naming him or even his mother, but it was Allaah, The One, who gave the child a name which no human before him had. Allaah Says (what means): “And [mention] Zechariah, when he called to his Lord, “My Lord, do not leave me alone [with no heir], while You are the best of inheritors. So We responded to him, and We gave to him Yahyaa (i.e., John), and amended for him his wife. Indeed, they used to hasten to good deeds and supplicate Us in hope and fear.” [Quran 21: 89-90]

Thus, this pious family was obedient to Allaah – the father and son were Prophets, and the wife was devout because Allaah made her so. The entire family would rush to please Allaah, both during times of prosperity and adversity; they supplicated submissively and were not heedless nor indulged unnecessarily in this life. This is how families used to be.

Let us examine the case of miserable families which are prevalent amongst our societies today. There is a great danger threatening our community, namely, the phenomenon of family disintegration, which has become our trademark, as a natural result of shunning Islamic legislations and abandoning the religion.

Many families are collapsing from the inside even if they appear to be cohesive, for, in reality, each individual among them lives his own life and is in his own world. Everyone has his own concerns and problems, which no one else shares with him, and nobody senses any commitment towards the others or that he is obliged to do anything for someone else.

Sometimes, two people within the same household may not even talk to each other and you would find that the father sleeps in one room and the mother in another. This is just a plain example and there are many others of its kind, reflecting the breakdown of families within our communities.

There are reasons leading to this disintegration of families, such as what the Prophet sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam mentioned: “It is enough a sin that one neglects his dependents (i.e., those under his care).” There are many fathers who pay no heed to their children and households, and do not fulfill their due obligations towards them.

The following is an example of such negligence: a man divorced his wife, whilst having children from her, and married another. Later, the second wife convinced him that his sons are aiming to separate them and are using magic to achieve this; things then built up to the extent of accusing them of trying to poison him, so he expelled them from the house. After this, she gave him a choice, saying: ‘Either I stay or your daughter’; thus, he got rid of his daughter and placed her with her other sister who was married, and although she felt very disturbed about having to live in a house as a stranger, she had nowhere else to go.

The father did not spend on the children whom he threw out; some lived with their maternal grandmother and others with their maternal uncles. As for the girl, she stayed with her sister and if she were asked about her brothers, she would reply: ‘I do not know, for my father kicked them out a long time ago and I have no idea where they are now’.

There is another account of one who was influenced by evil friends, who made him spend his salary on prohibitions. He kicked out his wife and children and hardly ever does he go home. Some of his children are sick and need special care; school is about to start and the kids need certain things, yet he is away. The rent is nine months past its due and the landlord protested to the wife who is helpless and alone; he knocked at the door requesting the payment, so some virtuous people helped her out with some money, but the husband, acting like criminals, comes once a month to seize from her whatever donations people have offered her and leaves. He comes for a few moments each month and never checks on his children or family.

Indeed, what the Prophet sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam said is true: “It is enough a sin that one neglects his dependents (i.e., those under his care).”

Rushing into divorcing the wife is another cause of the collapse of the family. These days, divorce is a widespread occurrence and for senseless reasons. Neither the husband nor the wife are brought up Islamically to begin with, and consequently, they fight for the simplest of reasons and then, divorce happens on silly grounds.

The outcome is that the family falls apart, the children stay with one of the two parents and are deprived from seeing the other, or are incited by each of the parents against the other, and so on.

A man divorced his wife when his daughter was two months old; she is now twenty-eight years and she has not seen her father except once. He never asked about her or sustained her, yet whenever someone comes asking for her hand, he refuses and sets down difficult conditions.

Before one divorces, he must think about his children: how will he deal with them? Will he visit and watch over them or will he become busy with his new house and life and neglect them?


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To continue Insha Allah..........

Furthermore, drugs are one of the reasons behind family disintegration. This is a dangerous disease that has affected a lot of the youth nowadays. Our enemies have spread drugs and on account of our youth not being brought up Islamically, this explosion of drugs is but a natural result.

Also, unemployment forces young men to deal with drugs to make money and so do their family problems drive them to use it. Fathers do not care who their sons befriend, as well, and in this way, they might make friends with evil people who introduce drugs to them whilst the parent is heedless.

Family breakdown also results from lack of compassion and benevolence in the house, on the parents' part. The father returns from work, eats, drinks, sleeps and then wakes up and spends the night with his friends; meanwhile, the mother is busy with the new fashions surfacing in the market and with visiting her friends, and has no time to attend to her children, who are being looked after by a maid.

As regards working mothers, who become exhausted due to their nature of possessing weak bodies, work problems affect them physically and emotionally; therefore, they do not have the time or mind to check on their children before going to work.

Some mothers admit that they have gotten fed up with their children and husbands. Furthermore, the father claims that he provides them with the best food, drinks, toys, computers as well as school necessities, and that they lack nothing. What a poor man, though! In truth, they lack something which is very essential – love and compassion and a good model. These men are only spending to suffice their children’s bodies, whereas they need them to sit and play with them.

Listen to what Allaah Says regarding Prophet Yahyaa (i.e., John, may Allaah exalt his mention) what means: “…And We gave him judgment while yet a boy.” [Quran 19: 12] Hence, Allaah bestowed on him prophethood, knowledge and, as Allaah Says (what means): “And affection from Us and purity, and he was fearing of Allaah.” [Quran 19: 13] It is indeed a bounty from Allaah that He made him, peace be upon him, an affectionate, merciful, kind and caring person.

Allaah, then, made this compassion and mercy give rise to something great, as He Says, referring to him, may Allaah exalt his mention, what means: “And dutiful to his parents, and he was not a disobedient tyrant.” [Quran 19: 14]

Another of the causes of the collapse of the family is the use of magic, for people take revenge from each other by means of it, which has resulted in Islamic monotheism fading away from people’s practices. Magic is certainly a reality and it does have effects on people. Allaah Says (what means): “…And [yet] they learn from them (i.e., the two angels as a test for people) that by which they cause separation between a man and his wife. But do not harm anyone through it except by permission of Allaah….” [Quran: 2 102]

Surely, no harm can be done except with the leave of Allaah and unless He has already decreed that it would cause detriment. Allaah continues to Say (what means): “…And they [i.e. people] learn what harm them and do not benefit them. But they [i.e. the Children of Israel] certainly knew that whoever purchased it [i.e. magic] would not have in the Hereafter any share….” [Quran: 2 102]

Accordingly, he who deals with magic will have no share in the Hereafter, meaning no reward. The penal law for the magician is to be killed because magicians are really disbelievers. Allaah concludes this verse, Saying (what means): “…And wretched is that for which they sold themselves, if they only knew.”

Nonetheless, in the present day, people are confused and unaware of the reality of magic; they believe that a magician can kill them and do not rely on Allaah, Who Says (what means): “And whoever relies upon Allaah — then He is sufficient for him….” [Quran: 65: 3]

Putting one's faith in Allaah stops the effect of magic, whilst weak souls who are not obedient and whose conviction is wavering will definitely be affected. It is they who do not maintain their daily remembrance of Allaah and the designated Thikr (i.e., remembrance of Allaah) and supplications at bed time or after prayers, such as the recitation of Chapters Al-Falaq, An-Naas and Al-Ikhlaas three times after the prayer and before going to bed, for these chapters are the best cure for magic and for preventing it.

Additionally, one needs to be careful concerning who enters the house and allow only righteous people to come inside, since otherwise, evil people who might place magic in the house would enter and then people will have to start looking for someone to cure them from the spell.

The Prophet sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam was affected by magic which was done over him by a Jewish magician; what cured him from it? It was by means of these three aforementioned chapters and with the permission of Allaah, together with the blessings of the Quran, which has a great effect on the souls and heals, provided that people believe in its effect.

Video and television are also amongst the causes of the disintegration of the family, for these two devices disseminate poison and immorality. Some people think that it brings the family closer when they gather to watch a movie on video or television, although the fact is that they do not talk to each other whilst the film is playing and if one does try to make a comment, everybody silences him. In some houses, there is a television set in each room, plus the satellite dish that you would spot everywhere.

Statistics have proved that television deprives a person from enjoying his social life and from reading; it helps in isolating him from others and reduces the level of understanding between spouses besides distracting students from their studies. It has also been confirmed that kids do not spend the required amount of time with the rest of the family after the television has crossed the doorstep of people’s homes. This is in addition to the types of corruption they are exposed to because of it.

Continuing the talk about the reasons of breakdown, one of which is allowing the girls to talk on the phone with just about anybody. A young man might talk to her, praising and flirting with her, making her feel like she is floating in the sky; as soon as she returns from school, she sits next to the phone awaiting his call to hear more of his flirting. Afterwards, he falsely promises to marry her, requests to meet her and then, this leads to her committing adultery; the disaster takes places, whereby she loses the most precious thing she possesses, then he walks out on her and what happens? When people come to ask for her hand, what can she say? This is all due to the lack of supervision and the wrong way of upbringing by the parents.

If we do not return to Allaah with sincerity, more collapse will occur and we will fall to the same level as the disbelievers' societies, where elders are humiliated and placed in foster homes, and daughters become rebellious and go out on the streets; thereupon, we will be sitting, watching what happens helplessly.

Are we wise enough to truly return to Allaah and put an end to the state our families have reached?

You will be held accountable concerning what you are entrusted with, for these children are a trust which Allaah has placed in your hands and will ask you about on a Day when wealth and offspring will be futile and only he who meets Allaah with a sound heart will benefit from his heart that is full of faith.

Each person will be concerned only about his own self and people will pay no attention to their fathers, mothers, brothers or sisters. This will be the Day of Judgment, the great, horrible Day which is fifty thousand years long. We honestly need to keep the remembrance of this day alive in our hearts and minds and start rectifying our situation.


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Neglecting one's family and failing to give them enough to suffice their needs results in them leaving their homes in order to find a source of income, and in many cases it leads to women committing adultery; there are many real life stories proving this, and in these cases it is not sexual desire that pushed the woman to indulge in this immorality as much as her need for money.

‘Aa’ishah, may Allaah be pleased with her, narrated that Hind bint ‘Utbah, may Allaah be pleased with her, came to the Prophet sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam and said: "O Messenger of Allaah! My husband Abu Sufyaan is tight fisted and does not give me and my son what suffices us, so I take from his wealth without him knowing. Is this permissible?’ He sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam replied: “Take from his wealth what suffices you and your son without exaggeration.”

Allaah the All-Knowing, knows that if there is insufficient money in a home, it could lead to something evil, so He allows the woman to take from her husband’s wealth secretly without his permission if he is stingy and does not provide them with what suffices them; but at the same time, Islam does not oppress the husband, hence the condition was set that she takes without exaggeration and not whenever it takes her fancy.

Disclosing the wife’s secrets is another cause of family disintegration. Some people go as far as to reveal the very intimate secrets of their wives, which not only causes this problem to occur, but also reflects malicious manners and a lack of protective jealousy.

The Prophet sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam once asked his companions: “Is there any of you who, when wishing to have sexual intercourse with his wife, goes into the room, closes the door, and covers himself?” They replied, "Yes." Then he sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam asked: “Is there any of you who later sits with his friends and informs them about what went on between him and his wife?” His companions remained silent. After this he sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam turned towards his female companions and asked the same questions, and so one of them stood up and said: "O Messenger of Allaah! I swear by Allaah that both the men and the women disclose what takes place in their bedrooms to others." Upon hearing this, the Prophet sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam said: “The similitude of those who do this is like that of a male and female devil, who meet on the road and have sexual intercourse publicly, while others are watching them.”

Undutifulness to parents is another reason behind family disintegration, because it either causes the child to be expelled from the house, which breaks the family bond, or, the son continues to oppress one or both of his parents, causing them to live a humiliated and oppressed existence in their own home, which deprives them from living a normal life. This is a common thing in families nowadays; families suffer grief and anxiety due to the undutifulness of their children, who may eventually expel their parents from their home.

A real life story and a good example of what we are saying is: …A son kicked his parents out from their home which they owned, but Allaah never neglects or overlooks anything - This son’s own daughters began beating him when he grew old, because he was trying to sexually assault them.

Bad manners, which lead to immorality and wife beating - these are more reasons behind the disintegration of families. A man beats his wife and mother, curses his daughter and supplicates that she becomes sick with cancer … he neither prays nor fasts … he enters his home shouting and cursing … he blames his wife for having delivered a daughter for him, which made her worthless in his sight … he hits his daughter viciously with an electric wire … this is a true story … this is a standard result of shunning the path of Allaah … the marks remained on his daughter’s back, even when she got married.

Again, this is normal for people who are not upon the straight path … when religion is removed from people’s hearts and souls they become worse than beasts, because it is only Islam that makes people behave correctly and maintain noble manners.

Sinning is another factor behind this phenomenon; a man gambles and travels for the sole purpose of gambling; when he receives his salary he squanders it in less than ten days because of his gambling … he does not worry about his wife or children … he does not attend to their needs.

Many family problems result from alcohol consumption, which is one of the major great sins … when a person is drunk he has no control over his brain - and families easily break up after this loss of control.

Many families face problems due to the shortage of money, as well as the great attachment that they have to this life; this usually leads to people becoming stingy and selfish.

A western newspaper published an article regarding a couple who had to make a choice between keeping their car or their newborn baby girl as they could not financially afford to keep both. So, they chose to keep the car and handed the baby over to a foster home, when the father was asked about this, he commented: “She might find a family who would take her in for adoption and give her a better life than what we can offer her.” The mother also assured that they made the right choice! Many parents sell their children in the west … What type of family bond do these people have? Where is mercy? Where is the love? Where is the compassion?

Greed and fighting over money adversely affects the family, and that is why you find men who wish to confiscate their wife’s salary, and fathers who deprive their daughters from marriage due to them wishing to continue receiving her salary; others convince their sisters to loan them money which they do not intend to repay while the Prophet sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam ruled doing this as one of the great major sins - to borrow money with the intention of not returning it … this is how money becomes a cause of family disintegration.

Undoubtedly, another of the major causes of this phenomenon is the possession of drivers and maids in the home, especially when the maid is not a Muslim, people surrender to them their valuables such as the car and the house, but the most important thing they surrender are their children, which they give them to look after.

These people represent a great danger, but people do not take lessons from what afflicts others, the maids seduce the father and young men of the house, and likewise the drivers seduce the females. With such a setup disasters are likely to happen - especially if the household is not brought up Islamically.

Fear Allaah with regards to your families … fear Allaah in your households … beware of the wrath of Allaah which He sends upon the oppressors. We are not only responsible for our own homes, but rather we have to advise others.

It is true that we have many good families who mix with some of these bad ones, so they should advise and instruct them, because otherwise we may be affected by their evil if we are not working on correcting it, since we do not live in isolation from one another. We must enjoin what is good and forbid what is evil, or our families may eventually become like those in the West.


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